Make sure you always practice workplace equality.
When Mario slaps your ass and says “Job well done, Gringa,” don’t get angry. Turn around, slap his ass in return and say, “Thanks, you too cerrote.” Watch his face squish in surprise. Try not to catch Carlos’ eye, lest you start laughing so hard you pee your pants.
1. At 27, have an existential crisis.
Refuse to call it a quarter-life crisis. That’s lame. Insist that everything is wrong – the career you have, the man you date, the major you chose in college. Take most of the blame1 for this shitty life you’ve produced for yourself. Become depressed. Drink too much. Fuck a man of questionable character and maybe “try” coke a few too many times. Decide to stop. Call a friend you haven’t spoke to in years. She tells you to move to Guatemala.
2. Move to Guatemala.
3. Upon arriving, meet a handsome local.
Let’s call him Carlos. Your initial instinct is to sleep with Carlos. Don’t. There are lots of screwable guys in Guatemala, but this one speaks English, knows all the best illegal after parties and bars with cheap beer. Befriend him instead. Show him that you’re smart and fun, have a great sense of humor and are at least semi-responsible. Mention you’re in need of a job that can keep you in quetzales2 and tequila. Do that enough times so that he remembers the bar he works at is looking for help and suggests you come in for a trial night. Accept immediately, even when he tells you you’ll be a shot girl. Thank him by buying the next round.
4. Google “shot girl” on your iPhone with the bar Wifi3 after Carlos leaves. Try not to hyperventilate upon seeing the scarily skinny, perkily-boobed, impeccably-tanned women (girls) the Internet tells you are shot girls.
5. On your first night of work, look hot.
Not cute – this is not date night. HOT. Like mind-numbing, eyeball-searing, catcalling smokin’ hot. Black jeans that hug your ass and a cutoff ‘I Heart NY’ shirt are best. And whatever you do, wear close-toed shoes. Bars are wet, sticky places. Tie up your hair in a high ponytail and heavily line your eyes. Practice your flirty faces in the mirror at home.
6. Arrive promptly at 9pm.
As you walk, notice the families, commuters, hordes of gringos4 and Guatemalan youth making up a lively street scene. When you arrive at the bar, however, it’s still relatively quiet. Greet Carlos by practicing your new Spanish phrases, especially the colloquialisms like “Qué onda,” Spanish for “What’s up?” Relish that Carlos is impressed. Let him introduce you to the owner, who wants to speak only in English to show off. Don’t flinch under his gaze. When he asks if you’ve ever worked in a bar before, lie and say yes.
7. Meet the manager, Mario.
Meet the rest of the bartenders. Practice more Spanish. When Mario asks you if you know how to make a Tequila Sunrise in bulk, lie and say yes.
8. Google “How to make a batch of Tequila Sunrises” on your iPhone with the bar Wifi. Learn that a tequila sunrise is six parts orange juice, three parts tequila and one part grenadine. Mario wants you to make a lot though, so in gallon terms, that’s like three-fifths (ish) a gallon of OJ, one-and-a-half fifths tequila and that remaining half-of-one-fifth grenadine5. Shake up a gallon, then start to work on a second. Mario comes over and tells you to stop. “You won’t need it,” he says6. Counter with, “Wanna bet?” and keep shaking.
9. At ten, pour shots.
Pour out twelve for the tray, plus two extra, Mario tells you. One for him and one for you. Throw back the shot without hesitation. The sickeningly sweet OJ and grenadine can’t mask the burn of cheap tequila. Thank Mario, and put the rest of the shots on the custom try with the holes cut out for each glass, and take the 200 quetzales change Mario hands you. “Don’t lose it,” he says. Put the money in your pants pocket. Upon realizing your pants are too tight to have pockets, put the money in your bra.
10. Try to make your first sale.
There’s room to walk freely still, but the bar’s filling up. The DJ spins Pitbull, Bob Marley remixes and Macklemore over the speakers, and the strobe light is on full blast. Smile at groups of bar-goers as you walk by, trying to entice them to buy a shot with your eyes. The guys stare back at you like they’re eyeing a Christmas ham. The girls look at you with distain, like they’re eyeing moldy sliced ham from the bargain basement store. Realize that you’re actually staring at everyone really hard. Look away.7 Approach a Guatemalan guy standing alone. “Quieres un…” Panic when you realize you don’t know the word for ‘shot’ in Spanish. “Shot is a universally understood language, guapa, and I’m buying if you’re drinking.” Try not to look embarrassed at assuming he couldn’t speak English. Do a shot. Thank him profusely when he gives you a 100-quetzal note and doesn’t ask for change. Eight quetzal to the dollar, and that’s a $10 tip!
11. Change your approach.
Start talking to patrons more. When you approach a group of gringo guys, try something like, “You’re going to buy shots from me,” because gringos on vacation like to be told to drink. When you approach a group of Guatemalans, play up that you’re from New York but you lost your job and had to move to Guatemala to make money. Don’t worry – they won’t catch you in the ridiculousness of that lie.8
12. Refill.
You’re half way through your first gallon, and it’s only been an hour. You take home 20 percent of what you sell, and you’ve already made 40 quetzales, plus the 80-quetzal tip from the first guy. You’re rich, you think, until you realize that’s only $15 bucks American. Still, that’s a night of drinking. Back on the floor.
13. Raise the tray above your head.
The bar is crowded now, and the dance floor has turned into one sweaty, undulated bodily mass. Up high, the shots are safe.
14. Know your audience.
Realize that race, ethnicity and socio-economic class don’t matter very much in a bar. Inside it’s all men who want to drink and flirt with women. Gringos come here to flirt with Guatemalans. Guatemalans come here to try and get with gringos.9 The bar starts to look like a math problem to be solved. Over in that corner is a group of guys from Guatemala City. College kids, you think. Daddy’s credit card. Talk to them only in English, putting on the best New York / California / American Southern accent you can muster and play up how you’re only in Guatemala for a few weeks before going back to school in the States. When you speak with gringos, take advantage of the fact that you can pass for Guatemalan because of your Mexican and Lebanese heritage. Only speak Spanish, even if it’s shitty Spanish. The bar is too loud and crowded for them to hear anyway. Rake in the bills. Put them in your bra.
15. Dance on the bar.
Girl, it doesn’t matter that Coyote Ugly is the worst movie of all time and perpetuates unhealthy female stereotypes. This is Guatemala. This is your livelihood. Get on the bar and shake your ass. It’s not like it’s just you up there. Carlos and a few other bartenders are up there, plus every spring-breaker from SoCal to Boston. Take a bottle of Tequila Sunrise up. Spray sunrises into the crowd right when the DJ drops the beat. Watch the crowd cheer. The other bartenders see and start spraying beers. The crowd loses it. They’re shouting and laughing and chanting lyrics to that popular Pitbull song, “Maldito Alcohol”: Yo no quiero agua. Yo quiero bebida.10 Stroll right past Mario when he tries to scold you about wasting product. There’s already a line of patrons waiting at your refill station.
16. Mix two more gallons.
It’s almost midnight and some of the male bartenders11 have taken their shirts off behind the bar to reveal their 12-pack abs, and lady customers are getting rowdy. It’s a great time for you to encourage some poor decision-making that your patrons will inevitably regret tomorrow when they wake up and take their mothers to church. Start selling 2-for-1, start making deals on “bottles” of Tequila Sunrises, start giving freebies to ladies when their boyfriends buy shots. The ladies like you now.
17. Get on the dance floor.
At this point, enough customers have bought you shots that you’re pretty buzzed, so don’t resist when Carlos pulls you onto the dance floor. Move with the rest of the crowd in the sweaty mass. Pull a group of scared-looking American volunteers wearing matching church t-shirts onto the floor with you and show them how to move.12 When they see you’re American too, they loosen up. Carlos, doing his part to welcome cute gringas everywhere to Guatemala, takes one by the hand and twirls her until she’s dizzy and smiling. You all laugh. And don’t sweat it that you lost your dance partner. There are plenty of guys lining up to dance with the American13 shot girl.
18. Last call.
The DJ starts remixing LMFAO’s Shots. The crowd is chanting “Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots”. “That’s your song, chica!” Carlos shouts. Quickly run to your refill station and mix up another gallon, stick a spout in the top and head to the exit. Stand by the door and offer a three second pour for Q10. Sell your whole gallon. Watch the owner shake his head and chuckle. When the door finally shuts, the wad in your bra enhances your cup size.
19. Count up.
Make your way through the fog of human sweat vapors hanging over the dance floor, past the bar where the bartenders are tossing empties into a big bucket, and enter the bathroom. Glance at yourself in the mirror – ooph. Your face is slick with sweat, your hair is frizzing and your black eyeliner is smudged. Your arms are sticky from spilled Sunrises. Clean yourself up in the sink. Realize you haven’t peed since you left your house. Venture into the bathroom stall. It’s OK, don’t gag. You can do this. Take the thin roll of toilet paper and mummify the seat, wrapping the TP around and around so there’s actually no opening anymore. It’s safer this way. Sit on the toilet, do your business, and fish out all your cash from your bra. Count up. You’ve sold 4000 in shots and 300 in tips.14
20. Cash out.
When you hand the owner your wad of cash, he’ll stare and ask where you got it. “I sold over 400 shots tonight.” He starts laughing. “Can you believe this girl?” he asks Mario and Carlos. “She’s amazing!” He turns back to you, “How did you do this?” Lean on the bar and say coyly, “My last job was in business.” He laughs so hard no sound comes out of his mouth. “Your last job was in business… NEVER FUCKING LEAVE ME.” His outburst surprises you, but everyone is laughing, including Carlos, so you guess it’s cool. The owner counts out your 20 percent, 800 quetzales. That’s $100 American. You’re rich! “You’re a smart gringa, you know that?” the owner will say.15
21. Make sure you always practice workplace equality.
When Mario slaps your ass and says “Job well done, Gringa,” don’t get angry. Turn around, slap his ass in return and say, “Thanks, you too cerrote16.” Watch his face squish and his eyes widen in surprise. Try not to catch Carlos’ eye, lest you start laughing so hard you pee your pants.
22. Go home.
Step out into the cool Guatemala night. It’s 2:30a – five and a half hours since you’ve smelled air that isn’t laced with perspiration and stale alcohol. Drop your head back and take a big inhale. Bars have just closed, and the streets are even busier than when you arrived. Taco carts have set up on the sidewalks, each one glowing under yellowing street lamps. Take ten hard-earned quetzales from your full change purse and buy three tacos al pastor with extra pineapple and chilies. You haven’t eaten since dinner, so wolf these down.17 Carlos pulls up on his scooter. “Hey Chica,” he’ll say, “Great job tonight. You nailed it”. Give him five when he holds his hand up. “Listen,” he says, leaning in close, “I just heard about this great after party. Wanna go?” You hesitate, because the morning is going to be rough.
23. Realize, you can’t go home.
Strap your purse across your chest. “Vamanos!” you say. Climb on the back of Carlos’s scooter. Between the after party and the after-after party, you won’t make it home until almost 9 o’clock in the morning.
24. No, really. Go home.
As you stumble to your bed, remember you may be a bartending neophyte having an crisis of self south of the border, but Carlos was right; on your first night as a shot girl, you nailed it.
Footers
1 You can blame a small amount of your bad choices on your parents, but only a small amount, because hey, they tried. Plus, you’re a grown-ass woman.
2 Guatemalan currency. Also the national bird; it is emerald green with a long tail.
3 Because you don’t have cell service in Guatemala.
4 Slang for Americans. Maybe a longer definition here when I can sift through the thousands of articles that all give different origins for the term ‘gringo’.
5 Think to yourself you should have paid better attention in geometry.
6 In your head: Don’t tell me what I need, dick.
7 Forget about pigs, Canadian bacon, regular bacon, Spam and all other pork-derived products.
8 They’ll be too busy shooting shots and looking at your ass.
9 Europeans and Australians will screw anything.
10 Translation: I don’t want water, I want a drink!
11 Not Carlos. He’s classy.
12 You’ve taken like… two salsa lessons. You’re a pro.
13 Or Guatemalan, depending on whom you talk to…
14 DAMN GIRL.
15 “Not smarter than me – I have my MBA from Harvard – but pretty fucking smart.”
16 Note: Cerrote is slang in Guatemala for “fucker”.
17 Buy another three tacos and scarf those down too. They’ll help lessen the severity of your hangover tomorrow.
Natalie Rose 